the sailor who fell from grace with the train

As I settled into my window seat I surveyed the man sitting on the other side of the table. He had a full white beard in need of taming and skin like the inside of a pork pie. His sea-green eyes were glazed over, and although he had a full head of hair, the cream-coloured strands threatened to detach themselves from the crust of the pie at any moment. The oily creases in his sixty-year-old skin suggested a working life spent outdoors, and a dampness seemed to rise from his body and make the air around him thick and briny.

I was paying particular attention to this man because I had to climb over his extended legs to get to my seat. Now I noticed that in one hand he loosely held a rolled-up cigarette, and the ends of his moustaches were stained a tarry yellow. He looked straight ahead with dead eyes and did not flinch when a stream of passengers knocked into his arm as they bustled past our table. But he was alive – an enormous globe of a belly pressed against the table, inflating and deflating at regular intervals.

I stopped taking in these observations when I spotted the coarse black hairs springing from somewhere inside his ears. The bristles might have belonged to a brush dedicated to the sweeping of a foul alley, and their blackness contrasted horribly with the white beard and cream hair. The ears themselves, which matched the fleshy nose, gave the impression that a demented butcher had created the face by stitching together pieces of offal.

I shielded my view of the monster with my book, only occasionally glancing down to my right to make sure that the lower tentacles of the beast were not preparing for an attack on my person.

There was a loud groan, a prolonged Hnn noise that the animal was making by pressing its Spammy tongue against the roof of its mouth. Hnn, it said again. I put down my book to reassess the situation.

The thing was now clearly fast asleep. Speckled lids had concealed the murky eyes, and the hand that previously held the cigarette was empty. The roll-up trembled on the floor between us as if terrified of its creator; then, as the train rounded a bend in the track, the cigarette made good its escape by careening towards the back of the carriage.

"Every fucking one of them," shouted the strange man in his slumber. "Arghhh, Hnn."

For the next thirty minutes the man's guttural jetsam alternated between "Arghhh, Hnn" and "Every fucking one of them". The middle-aged and well-dressed woman sat across the aisle was pretending not to notice as she flicked through the pages of a glossy magazine with a serene look on her face. Even she, though, looked over in our direction with eyebrows raised when my travelling companion blurted "Shitting bollocks". Then, raising his face to the ceiling and with eyes still closed, the man let drop his jaw and gave out a continuous stream of babble – "Ho ho HEY! Arghh, Hnn, ho" – pausing every twenty seconds or so to let his terrible balloon suck in more air.

After a silent period of ten minutes, I decided that the creature had successfully battled its demons and was finally resting in peace. "Fuck them all," he suddenly shouted. And then he added: "Arghh."

I left Carriage 5 and found an unoccupied seat in Carriage 4.

matching sign and monk

Paul has taken a photo of a monk in an orange robe standing near a predominantly orange sign at Clapham Junction.

why did the chicken cross the road?

internet use: a market survey

The price-comparison websites used by painters and their subjects:

The Girl with a Pearl Earring: CompareTheVermeerkat.com
The Impressionists: MonetSupermarket.com
Van Gogh, painter of Sunflowers: GoCompare.compost
René Magritte, Max Ernst and Salvador Dali: Confused.com



The websites used by members of The A-Team:

Faceman: Facebook.com
Murdock: Sky.com, TheSun.co.uk, TimesOnline.co.uk
Mr T: BA.com
Hannibal: HannibalMontana.net

cookery programmes gone mad (part 5)

Valentine Warner, What To Eat Now, BBC2, 10 August:

"Let me show you exactly what to eat now. Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm"

"I'll be making a divine summer pudding for an order of nuns whose blackcurrant crop has failed"

"Summer wouldn't be summer without fruit juice dripping off the chin"

"I'm using a cherry stoner, but if you don't have one, just cut the fruit and hoick out the stones"

"Try not to get any stones in your otherwise totally enjoyable pie"

"A big, whopping, great... actually just bung in half a jar"

"There's no half measures about my pies"

"Look at that - what a belter"

"Serve with proper custard. Or my favourite: loads of cream"

"Tangy Tongue-Twisting blackcurrants"

"Sister Theresa is renowned for her sweet tooth"

"Can't you do any miracles?"

"Sister Lucy and I will have to visit the local pick-your-own"

"How much does Sister Theresa like her blackcurrants?"

"They really wake me up, blackcurrants"

"We've gone from NUN currants to some [currants]"

"While Sister Catherine washes the fruit, I line a pudding basin with Clingfilm"

"Do people behave bashfully because you're nuns? Do you feel like saying: tell it like it is?"

"Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm"

"Will sweet-toothed Sister Theresa find it divine... or diabolical?"

"Strawberty. Strawberty? I meant strawberry and sherbety"

"That's one fat... that says it all: raspberries over strawberries"

"I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!"

"Summer's juicy peaches"

"Pinching with your fingers... pinchy, pinchy, pinch... think of something nice... de-de de-de de-de de-de"

"These are real whoppers, and even better - they're square whoppers"

"Ooh, big, fat, fatty, fat squares"

"My whopping square scones deserve to be fully loaded"

cookery programmes gone mad (part 4)

Valentine Warner, What To Eat Now, BBC2, 3 August:

"Mmm-mmm"

"Mm mm mm"

"They're edible - and I'm going to stuff them"

"I have a love affair with trout"

"Are you Jimmy half-heron half-otter?"

"If you have permission from the government or person who owns the fishing rights, then tickling is allowed"

"All the time I wasted bicycling and kite flying, I could have been trout tickling"

"If it's hairy, get out"

"I feel predatory Jimmy - arghrrrrrrrrr"

"I just behaved like a huge big girl"

"I don't think Jimmy's impressed by my tickling skills, and frankly, neither am I"

"Warner, you big pussy!"

"Tickle! Tickle!"

"You've been tickled"

"Because Jimmy knows how difficult it is to catch trout by tickling, he's brought along a whopper he caught by rod"

"Unless the butter is all soft and happy, it won't do its job"

"As I'm not a man who likes to go hungry, I think I'll bring my rod next time"

"Fancy Fishcakes... Flake the Flesh..."

"Last night's Leftovers... Scrumptious Suppers"

"I like a bit of chili violence"

"I always cook too many new potatoes"

"Wow. Rosemary, rosemary, rosemary. That's my favourite"

"That's a cracker!"

"I'm on a quest to find the tastiest tom of all. I just love tomatoes"

"Anne, tomato fanatic of the west"

"How did you go from a fashion buyer to some kind of tomato fanatic?"

"They glow, your tomatoes. Look, there's light coming out of them"

"I can't define the smell of a tomato"

"It should have that little grrrrrrrowwrrrrrrr"

[Describing a pizza topping] "It looks like the centre of the Earth"

"I want to impress the Queen of Tomatoes"

"Whose Tomato Temptation will steal the crown?"

"First, we're trying each other's. Mmm, mmm. Fruity"

"Be brave with your choice of Tomatoes. There's Tons to be Tasted right now"

"Summer Sipping"

"Lovely, stiff, creamy meringue, like good-quality shaving foam"

"Peculiar hairy little things, but mm mm mm"

"Next time: Sumptuous Summer fruits... Battle of the Berries"

cookery programmes gone mad (part 3)

Valentine Warner, What To Eat Now, BBC2, 27 July:

"The shops are crammed full of mother nature's summer bounty"

"That is a summer belter"

"Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm"

"Lunches... light, leisurely and lovely"

"Long lazy lunch"

"Lunchtime luxury"

"There we are: a splendid little plate of fairy tits"

"Quails eggs: adorable sweet little pebbles"

"I'm off to meet wild herb hunter-gatherer Pat Gosby"

"I'm as greedy as the next man, but even I have to say it just tastes of grass to me... moo!"

"I did expect your cottage to be made of gingerbread"

"Do you pour spells into the pot while you are cooking?"

"Now for the wise-woman ravioli"

"Wee'd on by rabbits, pissed on by dogs?"

"Normal ravioli; witchey ravioli"

"Hedgerow witchey ravioli"

"Mamma nature's ravioli"

"Nothing makes me think of summer more than the sound of Peas being Popped from the Pod"

"Lunch munch"

"You're pea fanatics"

"Not war and peas?"

"Do you like peas? Have a pea! Fresh summer peas"

"Do you think we should stop talking about peas?"

"My very favourite summer ingredient - octopus"

"If Peas don't Pack a Punch for you... classic cucumber... chilled cucumber"

"Lobster and melon. Delicious"

"Lazy long lunch"

"Mmm... slychpp"

"There you go, these are the fairy tits... for the end of your lazy lunch"

"For summer's long lazy lunch"

"Next time: Super-quick Summer Suckers... Tickling Trout... Liven up your Leftovers"